someone called brother to me

i stayed over my friends' house in Hussie, malmo, last night since it was the last night they stayed on that house. They are indonesian exchange student and will be back to Indonesia next 2 weeks. but today they will go for euro trip, only 4 of them, me and some other friends spend last night over there, dinner at one of Indonesian's house, talking, taking pics and karaoke-ing til i slept around 3 am. In the morning clean up their house and send some of their stuff to other indonesian's house, so that they can take it back after finishing their euro trip later. And there the situation became a lil bit weird i think. Looking at their faces, i know they were sad to leave that house. On the way to train station, one of them, the closest one to me said "i dont like this.. i'm sad.." and i replied" dont be! u're going to go for euro trip tonight! u should feel happy! have fun and just be sad when u really are leaving sweden!" but in fact, deep inside my heart i was soOo sad..
and when 4 of them were about to leave malmo station to copenhagen, i felt like broken.. and i can see that he tried not to crying, and so do i, but i smiled and told him " dont worry! dont cry now! u should have fun now.. u'll be back here in a week!" he nodded his head and smiled..
as i went back from Malmo to Lund i keep remember of them.. they'll leave soon, i hate it.. especially him..oh i think i should state that i NEVER experienced any romantic feeling for him.. and will never.. he's more like a brother to me.. he's totally a figure of brother for me..and i still cant accept the fact that he's gonna leaving soon.. he's the one that will be available for me anytime.. the one that i run to when i'm lonely, when i just want to have talk, or when i need someone to share my problem.. he'll always be available if i need him.. anytime i'm down or sad, i'll can just call him and he will listen or come to me and listen to all my stories.. and he will give me my spirit back, motivate me with all his advises and his words, and give me this strength to stand in this situation.. he just believe in me and show me how to be optimist to get through my problems.. and i dont think i will be able make it without his support, his advises and all the motivations that he gave..sometimes i just ashamed, bcoz maybe his problems are much more complicated than mine.. but he never say it, he will patiently support me..
God.. why should he go? why cant he just be here? i dont wanna say goodbye to him.. and Oh dear God..i'm speechless..please let me stop crying now..

whispering..

The pain and the sadness i feel confusing me.. when i have felt comfortable enough with this, but then there is compulsion that i have to tease it away.. all the comfort that i never had before.. i'm trying to holding on to what i believe, but the more compulsions come, the loose that it get.. i know time will prove whether i'm wrong.. and it so much cant come right now because i need some changes.. i need that improvement.. and i dont think i'm passion enough for that..

I'm clueless.. I dont know what to do, not even know that i'm doing the right thing.. I've been there before.. when it felt like there was big stone in my chest..i'm breathless, suffocating and wedged in the middle..so much i've tried to escape from it.. and i've made it. but now i'm in the tip of a cliff, there are only 2 options, jump or offense myself.. if i jump, i'll be there again..being trapped in that stone, breathless, suffocating.. which so much i dont want to.. but i cant offense myself too.. i know i'm not strong enough to do it.. and i never know which one will break me.. jump or offense myself..
i just want to runaway..never look back, never get back..

choose what you want

it's something that i quote from my friend's note in facebook.. quite representing the confusion i have now.. Post it here so that it will remind me over and over again, and maybe could remind who read it too..

"Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well
Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly
Take the power to walk in the forest and be apart of nature
Take the power to control your own life
No one else can do it for you
Nothing is to good for you
You deserve the best
Take the power to make your life
Healthy
Exciting
Worthwile
and very happy
While you reach for your dreams...."