Hurtful..

I used to laugh it off
I used to look the other way
I used to save them troubles for another day
I kept my fingers crossed
I used to never take the blame
I'd pull a sunshine story in a pouring rain
The more I had to change I'd just stay the same

You don't know what you got till you're missing it a lot
I had to go throw it away
I was wrong from the start from the bottom of my heart I apologize
What I did to you was hurtful
What I'm going through is hurtful

I used to buy my time
I used to beat around the bush
I'd rather give my ego another push
I used to be a fool
It was a foolish game I played
And it's a fool's faith coming mistakes I made
Once I had it right it was all too late

You don't know what you got until you're missing it a lot
I had to go throw it away
I was wrong from the start from the bottom of my heart I apologize
What I did to you was hurtful
What I'm going through is hurtful
What I'm going through is hurtful
It is hurtful
It's hurtful...

......................................................

Guilty..

if only he know my blog and read it.. now is the time i realize that i hurt him so much.. it takes a year for me to realize all the things he did and why he did it.. one year back, i was mad at him, angry at him for all the things he did.. he is the innocent of all for what happen, and i blame him for that.. now after a year i realize what he did is because he loved me.. and i just break him into pieces after keeping his love for me for 6 years.. he keep explaining the reason he dissappeared, but i ignored it.. i disappeared.. i responsed it heartlessly.. and he has to step back yet still be so nice to me.. it's been a year and we still contact each other, but never come across it again.. he never blame me or asking why.. but i cant turn back time.. i'm with someone new.. i cant break my bf's heart.. i cant hurt him.. and i dont want to break anybody's heart anymore.. but i still feel guilty.. if only he read my blog..i'm so sorry for what i did..

Tentang Cinta..

Ketika engkau tanyakan tentang cinta kita, aku terdiam.

Dalam ketermenungan saat itu, kusampaikan padamu...
Adakah gemerlap bintang dapat kau lukiskan?
Atau adakah tingginya langit bisa kau perhitungkan?
Atau kehangatan cakrawala sanggup kau bentangkan?
Dan dalamnya samudra terdalam pernah kau rasakan?

Lalu dengan apa lembutnya kasih sayang ini kugambarkan?

Dengan penuh keterbatasan, kucoba sampaikan padamu...
Aku akan merasa kehilangan jika engkau tak mencariku setiap hari
Keheningan menguasai pendengaranku jika suaramu tak mengiringi..
Kekecewaan akan dahsyat melanda jika harapanmu tak mampu kupenuhi...
Dan rindu mendendam menuntut kehadiranmu di sisi...
Bersama kehinaanku, aku ingin tetap untukmu sepenuh hati...
Maka katakan padaku, bukankah "cinta" terlalu mulia untuk diceritakan, karena ia hadiah dari Yang Maha Mulia..?

Kemudian kita berjanji,
Tidak akan pernah menangisi keadaan...
Dan akan saling menyertai sekalipun waktu telah berlari jauh dari pijakan...
Berjanji akan bahagia sekalipun senyum itu diukir bersama penderitaan..
Dan bersyukur atas keindahan luar biasa ketika mata kita saling bertatapan..


Duhai Yang Maha Pemurah, Maha Suci Engkau yang telah menghadirkan cinta di tengah-tengah kami yang tak berdaya.
Syukur kami duhai Yang Maha Sempurna atas hadiah hikmah dibalik cinta yang tak sempurna ini..


*taken from a facebook notes of my friend.. according to confession of somebody to me, it represents of what he feels for me.. and for me, it represents of what happens between us now..

someone called brother to me

i stayed over my friends' house in Hussie, malmo, last night since it was the last night they stayed on that house. They are indonesian exchange student and will be back to Indonesia next 2 weeks. but today they will go for euro trip, only 4 of them, me and some other friends spend last night over there, dinner at one of Indonesian's house, talking, taking pics and karaoke-ing til i slept around 3 am. In the morning clean up their house and send some of their stuff to other indonesian's house, so that they can take it back after finishing their euro trip later. And there the situation became a lil bit weird i think. Looking at their faces, i know they were sad to leave that house. On the way to train station, one of them, the closest one to me said "i dont like this.. i'm sad.." and i replied" dont be! u're going to go for euro trip tonight! u should feel happy! have fun and just be sad when u really are leaving sweden!" but in fact, deep inside my heart i was soOo sad..
and when 4 of them were about to leave malmo station to copenhagen, i felt like broken.. and i can see that he tried not to crying, and so do i, but i smiled and told him " dont worry! dont cry now! u should have fun now.. u'll be back here in a week!" he nodded his head and smiled..
as i went back from Malmo to Lund i keep remember of them.. they'll leave soon, i hate it.. especially him..oh i think i should state that i NEVER experienced any romantic feeling for him.. and will never.. he's more like a brother to me.. he's totally a figure of brother for me..and i still cant accept the fact that he's gonna leaving soon.. he's the one that will be available for me anytime.. the one that i run to when i'm lonely, when i just want to have talk, or when i need someone to share my problem.. he'll always be available if i need him.. anytime i'm down or sad, i'll can just call him and he will listen or come to me and listen to all my stories.. and he will give me my spirit back, motivate me with all his advises and his words, and give me this strength to stand in this situation.. he just believe in me and show me how to be optimist to get through my problems.. and i dont think i will be able make it without his support, his advises and all the motivations that he gave..sometimes i just ashamed, bcoz maybe his problems are much more complicated than mine.. but he never say it, he will patiently support me..
God.. why should he go? why cant he just be here? i dont wanna say goodbye to him.. and Oh dear God..i'm speechless..please let me stop crying now..

whispering..

The pain and the sadness i feel confusing me.. when i have felt comfortable enough with this, but then there is compulsion that i have to tease it away.. all the comfort that i never had before.. i'm trying to holding on to what i believe, but the more compulsions come, the loose that it get.. i know time will prove whether i'm wrong.. and it so much cant come right now because i need some changes.. i need that improvement.. and i dont think i'm passion enough for that..

I'm clueless.. I dont know what to do, not even know that i'm doing the right thing.. I've been there before.. when it felt like there was big stone in my chest..i'm breathless, suffocating and wedged in the middle..so much i've tried to escape from it.. and i've made it. but now i'm in the tip of a cliff, there are only 2 options, jump or offense myself.. if i jump, i'll be there again..being trapped in that stone, breathless, suffocating.. which so much i dont want to.. but i cant offense myself too.. i know i'm not strong enough to do it.. and i never know which one will break me.. jump or offense myself..
i just want to runaway..never look back, never get back..

choose what you want

it's something that i quote from my friend's note in facebook.. quite representing the confusion i have now.. Post it here so that it will remind me over and over again, and maybe could remind who read it too..

"Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well
Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly
Take the power to walk in the forest and be apart of nature
Take the power to control your own life
No one else can do it for you
Nothing is to good for you
You deserve the best
Take the power to make your life
Healthy
Exciting
Worthwile
and very happy
While you reach for your dreams...."

you

You give me hope,
The strength, the will to keep on;
No one else can make me feel this way
And only you
Can bring out all the best I can do;
I believe you turn the tide
And make me feel real good inside.

You pushed me up
When I'm about to give up;
You're on my side when no one seems to listen
And if you go,
You know the tears can't help but show
You'll break this heart and tear it apart;
Then suddenly the madness starts

It's your smile,
Your face, your lips that I miss,
Those sweet little eyes that stare at me
And make me say,
I'm with you through all the way.

'Cause it's you
Who fills the emptiness in me;
It changes ev'rything, you see,
When I know I've got you with me

*Song by Basil Valdez - you